Sam's Sanity Diary

CAMERA PHONE Hi guys! Thanks for coming and welcome to the show! We’re recording this by the way. We’ve upgraded to new cameras, that we borrowed from our Youtuber friend! Anybody here heard of Steven Bones, make some noise! (A) Bugger, our camera man is more famous than us! (L) I used to record these shows on a phone camera.   My wife has one of those high tech phones with the beautify function – You take a family photo and everyone looks the same age? (L) This is either grandma or ah boy, I can’t tell. (L) BACKSCRATCHER Speaking of my wife, who here is See Ming’s friend, make some noise! (A) We’ve been married for 17 years. I do this for her every night, I scratch her back. It’s our love language. Ya, sounds romantic, right? Unless you are the one scratching (L) It’s fucking tiring, man. Coz I’ll scratch her until she falls asleep. And then she’ll start snoring. *snore* and then after the third snore, I’m like, Okay, I’ll stop scratching now, okay… and she’s like *Snore* WHY...

Tuck wants me to do my oldest chunk of material from 2012. I tried to rewrite it but I just don't think I'm gonna do it. It's time to let it go. It looks like this: I found something interesting on the Internet the other day. So what happened was I was on Google and I typed in the words Animal Masturbation (L) Wait, let me explain. I was home alone that day. I’m a married man whose wife and kid left the house and I was a bachelor for one hour that day. I was capable of anything. But what I found was interesting. Apparently, many animals masturbate and they all have something in common. They all have these very large neocortices. I looked it up. These are actually the most highly-evolved parts of the brains of mammals. And mammals, as we know are the most highly-evolved of all the animals, so if you put all this information together, you can only come to one conclusion… jerking off is a sign of intelligence. (L) Ya, it’s good news for me too. (L) But it kinda makes sense...

Is it me or does Mark Zuckerberg look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings? If I didn't know who he was and you showed me a video of him, I'll be like this is not real, this is CGI. Like he almost looks real and then you hear him speak and you're like oh, no, he's definitely not human. I think that's why he's so crazy about the metaverse. He wants to live in a world where we all look like him...I mean it. I know all these big companies are out to get our money but I feel like Facebook is the most blatant money grabber. Like with Google, it's subtle. Oh your Google Drive is out of space, would you like to buy more space? But with Facebook, it's basically like nobody will see your post unless you gives us money, would you like to give us money? Somehow, I just trust Google more than I trust Facebook. I have to Google a lot of weird stuff for my jokes and I've always been okay with that but if FB came up with a search engine tomorrow, I'd be like, No ...

My son and I had kind of a father and son few days at home together. It was nice. My wife was away in Langkawi to hang out with her friends. She's always off somewhere. On Friday, I took him to his climbing session (last one for the year) and he wanted to buy some nail polish and neither of us knew anything about it so I took him to a Watson's pharmacy and he bought some water-based nail polish and some nail lacquer and some nail polish remover. He's too shy to ask for advice so I asked the girl at the counter what the difference was between nail polish and nail lacquer. Basically, nail lacquer is what they used to call nail polish, and the new nail polish is a water-based paint that chips off easily. On Saturday, we were pretty much at the World Scouts Jamboree the whole day and he had to be in his scouts uniform the whole day, which is something he's not used to but he didn't make too much of a fuss of it. For about 2 days before that, we were sewing on his scout ...

There was a big fight at the meeting. Nothing anybody could have done about it. Anyway, it's over and I am focusing on comedy again for a bit. I always feel like I am starting and stopping with comedy. The last show went well, even though I wrote my set at the last minute. So now I'm thinking I should write out my sets more often. Tonight, I'm doing the new material set which is Jason's show. I need 15 minutes of new(ish) jokes. Here's my set (I am writing it out now): My wife and I have been married for 17 years and I scratch her back every night. Anybody here scratch your spouse's back at night? I salute you ma'am. Because it's hard work! Coz I would scratch my wife until she falls asleep and this is my hand, scratching... and this is her...snore...snore...snore.. and after the third snore, I would stop scratching and she'd be like "Why you stop?" (L) The other night I scratched for half an hour and I was like tired already lah, so she sa...

Nowadays, I do this thing and I am not sure if it is a good idea, but it kind of works for me. Whenever I am stressed out about something, very often I realised I'm paralysed by fear and then I do nothing and things get worse. So what I do is I ask myself what is the worst case scenario, and then I feel okay. For example, I'm kind of stressed out about a a show tomorrow. Me, Tuck and Juliana will be performing stand up on a Saturday morning in a museum to a general public that probably doesn't know what stand up comedy is or even understand English. Worst case scenario: We bomb (happened before), we forget our jokes (not likely, if we are getting laughs, and if we are not getting laughs, jokes aren't gonna save us anyway), or we offend someone (highly unlikely for me nowadays, and also, it has happened before). Whatever happens will be something I have survived before. We're doing it for free anyway, so they organisers should be pretty understanding if things go sou...