My set for Tuck My Life tonight

CAMERA PHONE

Hi guys! Thanks for coming and welcome to the show!

We’re recording this by the way. We’ve upgraded to new cameras, that we borrowed from our Youtuber friend! Anybody here heard of Steven Bones, make some noise! (A) Bugger, our camera man is more famous than us! (L) I used to record these shows on a phone camera.   My wife has one of those high tech phones with the beautify function – You take a family photo and everyone looks the same age? (L) This is either grandma or ah boy, I can’t tell. (L)

BACKSCRATCHER

Speaking of my wife, who here is See Ming’s friend, make some noise! (A)

We’ve been married for 17 years. I do this for her every night, I scratch her back. It’s our love language. Ya, sounds romantic, right? Unless you are the one scratching (L) It’s fucking tiring, man. Coz I’ll scratch her until she falls asleep. And then she’ll start snoring. *snore* and then after the third snore, I’m like, Okay, I’ll stop scratching now, okay… and she’s like *Snore* WHY YOU STOP? (L)
So the other day, I was scratching for half an hour and I was like I’m too tired, can I take a break? And she was like, it’s ok I’ll help you. Then she put her hand behind her back and grabbed my hand and scratched her back with my hand. (L) I had no idea my wife was that flexible! (L) She coulda been scratching her own back all these years! (L)

So the other day, I bought her a backscratcher. This is how guys think you know, she got an itch, I buy a backscratcher, I solved her problem, because I love her! But she doesn’t think this way. She said, I have an itch, you bought a backscratcher, that means you don’t want to scratch my back anymore, therefore you don’t love me. I felt so stupid. She didn’t want a backscratcher. She wanted a slave. (L) So the other day, I was scratching her back, and I couldn’t find the right spot. Story of my life, I can never find the right spot. (L) So she was like a bit to the left, a bit to the right. I couldn’t find it. So she got so frustrated, she picked up the backscratcher and at that moment, it felt like the heavens opened up. Finally, my suffering is over! She picked up the backscratcher… and used it to point to where she wanted me to scratch! (L) So ya, I’m glad she finally found a use for it. It was a good purchase from Shopee (L).

WHATSAPP JOKE

Our house has very bad mobile reception, so if one of us is at home and we need to make a phone call, we’ll use the wifi and make a Whatsapp Call. The problem with Whatapp Calls is they always want you to rate the quality of the calls afterwards, and I’m not always in the mood to give them a good rating. It really depends on what happens during the call, right? This one time my wife was angry at me and she called me just to scream at me. It was brutal! She just chewed my ass out for five minutes and then she hung up the phone! And then I looked at my phone and it said, HOW WOULD YOU RATE THIS WHATSAPP CALL? (L)
I’m like are you fucking kidding me? You get 1-STAR for that one! (L) You totally dropped the ball there, man! (L) For one thing, I could hear my wife WAY TOO CLEARLY that time! (L) Where’s the bad reception when you NEED IT? (L)

I’m glad you guys are laughing. My wife hates that joke (L)… because it’s true (L)

CHEATING

My wife is actually super supportive of my comedy. Her one big fear is that I would meet someone at a comedy show and cheat on her. And I would never cheat on my wife… because I love her and also… divorce is expensive (L). Are you kidding me? I don’t wanna deal with that! Like, get a blowjob and then lose your house? (L) That doesn’t seem like a good investment plan. (L)

HOT WOMEN

My wife has nothing to worry about because I don’t know how to talk to women. Like this is how I react every time I meet a beautiful woman. First of all, my defenses would go right up and I’ll think to myself, “Well, she’s hot and she knows she’s hot, so she’s probably a bitch!” (L) Just with no information at all, I’m making this judgement based on NOTHING? I’m like “She probably won’t talk to someone like me, well screw her, I don’t wanna talk to her either. Bitch!” (L) Meanwhile, she’s behaving perfectly normal, like she might say Hi or smile at me. Then, all of a sudden I’m like, (whispering voice) “Oh My God! She smiled at me! She’s so beautiful and she smiled at me! (pause) I think SHE WANTS ME!” (L) Now, I’m just stupid in the other direction.

“I think she WANTS MY BODY! (L) I think she wants some of this CHINESE UNCLE ACTION!” (L)

Thanks for laughing (L) Nobody wants Chinese Uncle Action (laugh) That’s the whole joke. (L)

SELF DEPRECATING JOKE

I do a lot of self-deprecating jokes – where I make fun of myself. Sometimes people ask me what’s the secret to a good self-deprecating joke. The secret is – you have to get into character. So every morning, I do this self-talk and I say, YOU CAN DO IT SIM, YOU’RE A LOSER! (L) That usually gets me into character. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, YOU SUCK! (L) I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but it really works... NOBODY LIKES YOU, YOU’RE GONNA BE A STAR! (L) That’s how you do it!

OLD MAN JOKES

I love doing stand up comedy. I made a lot of friends like young Brian and young Tuck. I always feel so old around them. Coz I’m in my fifties now and (A) Oh thanks! You know you’re old when people applaud your age (L) My comedian friends are very good at consoling me. I’ll be like “I feel so old” and they’ll be like, “Oh no, you’re not so old lah… Uncle Sim!” (L) They are very good at consoling me. They’ll say things like “50 is the new 40! Age is just a number! You’re only as old as you feel!” and then they’ll come on stage and they’ll be like “Man, when you turn 35, your body goes to shit!” and I don’t know how I feel about that!

You know you’re old when you hurt in more than 1 place. I went to the doctor the other day and I was like Doc, you gotta help me. I’m hurting in two places. He said, okay calm down, just tell me where you’re hurting. So I said it’s my back, doc. I threw out my back when I tried to pick up this box of books. And he said, whoa, okay, next time you need to pick up something heavy, remember not to bend your back, just bend your knees. Always lift with your knees. Now where’s the second place you’re hurting. “It’s my knees, doc!” (L)

He just gave up. He just gave me some painkillers and said, “Okay, just don’t lift anything anymore. Let someone else do it. And let them screw up their back.” (L)

BRIGHT CONTACTS

I recently discovered I have a fear of Asian women who wear super bright contact lenses. It’s a medical condition, it’s called Acuvuwophobia (Alt: Baushandlombophobia) (L) (This joke’s not about you by the way. It’s about the other ladies. You’re cool. You’re …beautiful) I mean, they look beautiful and confident and it’s none of my business what they wear. But at the same time, it’s very unsettling to just look up and see someone with the face of an Asian woman, and then the eyes of a JUNGLE CAT. (L)

Every time, I’m like “HOLY SHIT! Oh! Oh! it’s just you Fatimah. (L) I thought you were a mountain lion (L) Thank God you’re just a cougar (L)

SEX IS WEIRD

Sex is a weird thing, right? Like two people get to see each other naked and they get to touch each other. It’s the most affectionate, most private, next to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, the most intimate thing two people can do together. Like one of you is ACTUALLY INSIDE the other person. Physically, you cannot be any closer. And yet mentally, you could be in two very different places.

Coz one of you might be thinking, “We’re finally gonna consummate our love.”

And the other person’s thinking, “Yeah, take it bitch!” (L)

Those are very different thoughts!

That second one is usually my wife lah! (L)

FIRST TIME PORN

I think part of the reason sex is so weird is that we learn about it by watching porn and porn is weird! I remember the first time I watched porn – it was arousing but kind of horrifying at the same time, because there’s a lot of pretty misogynistic dirty talk in porn. Coz, my whole life, I’ve been taught that we need to respect women, be nice to women, hold doors open for them, pull our chairs for them, show them chivalry’s not dead and yet support feminism, that whole deal, right? But in the porn flick, all the guys in there are like, “Yeah take that, you horny bitch. Are you a slut? Say you’re a slut and I’ll spank your ass, you dirty horny slutty whore! You like having a cock in your pussy?”

And I’m like Oh My God! Is this how my parents are doing it? (L)

You need a lot of therapy to get over that one. (L)

FREAKING FREAKING

I’m gonna tell some clean jokes now. We have a son at home and he doesn’t know what I get up to. He know’s I’m doing comedy, but  he thinks it’s all innocent… he thinks I’m telling knock knock jokes, basically… he doesn’t know his dad is on a stage somewhere going, “You like a cock in your pussy?”. (L)

He’s at that age where he’s just experimenting with language. Like his favourite word is freaking. He’s always going freaking this, freaking that. It’s fucking annoying, man! I don’t know where he gets it from! Want to curse, curse properly okay. 

STATIC

He’s starting to have a bit of an attitude, you know.

The other day, I was showing him a static electricity experiment. Very simple experiment you can try at home. You rub some wool on a PVC pipe and then do the same with a plastic bag and then you throw the plastic bag in the air and hold the pipe under it and the repel each other, so the bag floats in the air. So I showed my son this and I tried to get him a bit more involved, so I said something from Harry Potter. I said, “Wingardium Leeviosa!” and he was like “Ugh! It’s LEViosa, not LEEviosa! (L) You’re trying to make it LEVitate, not LEEvitate! Don’t you know anything, dad?” And I’m like, “You little post millennial shit! (L) I’m just trying to show you some science here! I’m giving you some real world knowledge, you’re giving me shit about how to pronounce a made up word? (L) Well, fuck you, fuck Harry Potter and fuck Pokemon too! (L) Pikachu can suck my dick! (L)”

I didn’t actually say any of that. What I said was “Okay, son… Wingardium LEVioSAH!” (L)

That’s the problem with being a parent! You can’t say what you’re thinking. On the outside, I’ve gotta be this calm guy, saying “Okay son, sure son, cool son,”… while on the inside, I’m like, “Wingardium my ass. You and your magic spells can go fuck yourself!” (L)

SPARTAN RACE

I realised that earlier this year when we signed him up for the Spartan Race. I was supportive, I was hyping it up, I woke everyone up and I drove us there. And when we got there, I was like, “Hey, we’re here! We’re at the Spartan Race! Isn’t this great? Isn’t this exciting? Isn’t this awesome?”

And the voice in my head was like, “This is bullshit.,, (L) Look at all these fucking people...Look at all these crossfit assholes, in their spandex shorts and their Lululemon outfits (L). All trying to be Spartan Warriors! Gimme a fucking break. I hope they all die!” (L)

That was how much I wanted to be there. But then I thought, no I gotta be the good parent. So I was still talking to my kid like, “Hey, you feeling excited? You feeling pumped up? You’re gonna get over those obstacles! Show me your Spartan Face! Yeah, THIS IS SPARTA!”

The voice - “This isn’t Sparta… This is Semenyih.” (L)

“We come from Sparta!”

“No, you come from Petaling Jaya (L)… so calm the down, Chinese Leonidas (L) before you give yourself a hernia, you sad little man.” (L)

PEEING

But at least in some ways, things are getting easier. I remember when he was small and he peed into a urinal for the first time, coz we celebrated that shit! Coz for the longest time, he couldn’t reach, coz he’s a short fuck. (L) If he went on his tiptoes, he could barely reach up and just plop his penis onto the urinal, but it’s always risky because one wrong move and he shoots himself in the face (L)… so that’s no good. So usually, he’d go into the stalls and pee into the toilet bowl. He goes in there and pulls his pants down to his ankles and now his butt is exposed. And he’s got a nice one, he’s got my wife’s ass, which is fortunate, because take a look at this shit. (L) This is flat, even for a Chinese ass, right? (L) See how there’s barely a curve there? And you know what? It’s mostly my wallet. (L) So anyway, he’s in there, butt exposed. Now I gotta go in there and make sure he’s okay. Coz you never know who walks into these toilets right? Perverts, pedophiles, Catholic priests. (L) It could be anyone. So now we’re both in there and it’s nice, right? It’s like a father and son bonding moment. We have a swordfight with our yellow lightsabers. (L) I show him how to shoot down stray pubes. (L) It’s nice! It’s fun AND educational. (L) Then he bends down and pulls his pants up. As he does this… he puts his face directly in front of the toilet bowl. So now I have to stop pissing immediately, which was something I didn’t even know could be done. I didn’t know what to expect. I thought my penis was going to explode. (L) Part of me was going screw it, man… just pee on him. (L) He’ll be fine after a few weeks of therapy. (L) But I didn’t! So I’m a good father! (L) Haha. That’s my measure of a good father… is if you don’t pee on your kid. (L)

 

 

1.      CAMERA PHONE

2.      ZACHARIAH WAFFLEBURGER

3.      WISH.COM

4.      BACKSCRATCHER

5.      WHATSAPP CALLS

6.      CHEATING

7.      HOT WOMEN

8.      SELF-DEPRECATING JOKES

9.      OLD MAN AT COMEDY SHOW

10.  HURTING IN 2 PLACES

11.  BRIGHT CONTACTS

12.  SEX IS WEIRD

13.  FIRST TIME PORN

14.  CLEAN JOKES NOW

15.  FREAKING FREAKING

16.  STATIC

17.  SPARTAN

18.  PEEING