The worst is over, back to writing

There was a big fight at the meeting. Nothing anybody could have done about it. Anyway, it's over and I am focusing on comedy again for a bit. I always feel like I am starting and stopping with comedy.

The last show went well, even though I wrote my set at the last minute. So now I'm thinking I should write out my sets more often. Tonight, I'm doing the new material set which is Jason's show. I need 15 minutes of new(ish) jokes.

Here's my set (I am writing it out now):

My wife and I have been married for 17 years and I scratch her back every night. Anybody here scratch your spouse's back at night? I salute you ma'am. Because it's hard work! Coz I would scratch my wife until she falls asleep and this is my hand, scratching... and this is her...snore...snore...snore.. and after the third snore, I would stop scratching and she'd be like "Why you stop?" (L)

The other night I scratched for half an hour and I was like tired already lah, so she said, "It's okay, I'll help you." And then she grabbed my hand behind her back and scratched herself with my hand. I was shocked. I didn't know my wife was so flexible. She could have scratched herself all these years. (L)
So the other day, I bought her a backscratcher. This is how guys think, you know. You got a problem, we solved it, that shows we love you. But women don't think like that.  Women are like, "Why you buy a backscratcher? Don't you want to scratch my back anymore? You don't love me anymore? I thought I knew you!" (L) That's what my wife said. I felt so stupid you know. She didn't want a backscratcher. She wanted a slave. (L)
So the other night, I was scratching her back as usual, and I couldn't find the right spot. It's like sex, I'm always on the wrong spot. (L) So after awhile she got tired of me getting the wrong spot and she picked up the backscratcher and I thought "Oh My God! My suffering is over!". She picked up the backscratcher and then she pointed to where she wanted me to scratch! (L) So yeah, I'm glad she finally found a good use for it - good shopee purchase.

The reason my wife wants me to scratch her back is she just wants to manja. Manja is when a woman wants attention, so she acts like a baby. And it's cute and it's fun, WHEN YOU ARE DATING. It's fun because she's like a baby and you get to be a dad. (L) Coz when we're dating, and she's like "I'm sad!" I'm like, "Oh you poor thing. Come here! Do you need a hug? Do you need to cuddle? What's wrong?" And of course, nothing really is wrong, she just wants to manja. All that changes when you have a real baby. Now you're both tired, you're up all night, sterilising bottles, changing diapers, feeding the baby, and she's like "I'm sad" and I'm like "WILL YOU CUT THAT SHIT! I'M TRYING TO KEEP THIS THING ALIVE!" (L)

My wife likes to take photos, and I would help her take photos and whenever the photo turns out bad, it would be my fault. Why you take from so high, you make me look short, take from lower, and turn the phone upside down. so I squat down and take from lower and, turn the phone upside down, and she'd be like, "You take from so low, now I have a double chin!" (L) 

When my wife asks a question, I can choose from two answers - the logical answer and the correct answer. "Eh why you take this photo when my eyes are closed?" The logical answer would be "BITCH, THEN DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES LAH" but the correct answer is "Sorry baby, let me take another photo of you." (L) I always go for the correct answer once in awhile, when I run out of patience, I just say fuck this shit, nothing is going right, I'm dropping a truth bomb, whatever happens happens. The other day, I was taking photos of my wife and she was not happy with any of them, and nothing I did was good enough for her, and then the last photo I took of her, she took one look and it and showed it to me and said, "Eh, why I look so fat?" And I said, "Then go on diet lah!" (L) End of the photo session. She didn't talk the rest of the day. I celebrated with an ice-cream cone and she couldn't have any because of the calories. Best day ever! (L)

You guys happy about the election results? Could be better, could be worse, right? I feel like we're in a different timeline than we used to be... like somebody fucked with a time-machine and now we're in a different part of the multiverse.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I stopped procrastinating and it wasn't so bad

Okay, I wrote my roast jokes. I hope it's enough for tonight. As always, I should have done this days ago, so that I didn't have to be so high strung the past few days. First round is against Mike, and if I win that, the 2nd round is against the winner of the Nat-Mikhail matchup. I only needed 4 jokes each, but I panicked and wrote a few extra just in case. I love my friends and I don't mean any of these things, but here's what I wrote... Vs MIKE SADDI Mike once auditioned for the role of a Klingon in a Star Trek movie and got rejected. They said his forehead was too big. Fortunately, to take attention away from his forehead, Mike has this giant belly.  Mike’s kid is the only kid in the nursery who has to put up with Yo Daddy So Fat jokes. When Mike heard there was a roast, he was super excited and called me to ask if it was a roast pork, roast beef or roast chicken.  Mike’s arteries pray every day that Jollibee doesn’t open a branch in his neighborhood. Once they
Read more

Art is dead (in Malaysia)

The situation is FUBAR now. Some guy by the name of Yusuf Azmi, the leader of some Muslim consumer rights association decided he could gain some mileage from the Crackhouse situation and has been riling up the angry mob. They made a police report on Rizal's jokes and now Rizal is being investigated and he has no income from gigs or his club, and people have vandalised the club and have sent threatening messages to him and his wife, even mentioning the name of their two year old. And to be honest, most of the jokes they are offended by, aren't critical of any religion, but instead laughs at human folly. In one discussion, Mo Sidik showed us this clip of an Indonesian comedian saying Insha Allah, a very habitual saying among Muslims. He was not in trouble. There were no police reports. The video went viral. Indonesians understood that the joke was about how people fall into habits and don't always think the meaning of what they say. It's like that old joke or meme where a
Read more

Just remember the sun will explode.

Norm Macdonald died a couple days ago. Never met him but I know I'm going to miss his comedy. I watched a lot of it. I think you probably noticed I'm preoccupied with death at the moment. With Lynn Ruth and Norm Macdonald and us talking about suicide last week and with me constantly worrying about dying and my kid not being prepared for the world. I guess I'm obsessed with control. I wish I could just know that everything will be all right. But of course, there is no way of knowing for sure. So I distract myself with the hobbies and interests but the fear of everything spinning out of control is always in the background. So I zoom in and focus on carving a piece of wood, or learning a song on the guitar, or finishing a computer game and everything is okay for awhile, until something else needs attention and then I zoom out and see that everything is fucked up. My son needs to transition from homeschooling to University, my friend Bob is still not fully recovered, we had 220
Read more