My oldest set of jokes (from 2012). Cringe?

Tuck wants me to do my oldest chunk of material from 2012. I tried to rewrite it but I just don't think I'm gonna do it. It's time to let it go. It looks like this:

I found something interesting on the Internet the other day. So what happened was I was on Google and I typed in the words Animal Masturbation (L) Wait, let me explain. I was home alone that day. I’m a married man whose wife and kid left the house and I was a bachelor for one hour that day. I was capable of anything.

But what I found was interesting. Apparently, many animals masturbate and they all have something in common. They all have these very large neocortices. I looked it up. These are actually the most highly-evolved parts of the brains of mammals. And mammals, as we know are the most highly-evolved of all the animals, so if you put all this information together, you can only come to one conclusion… jerking off is a sign of intelligence. (L) Ya, it’s good news for me too. (L)

But it kinda makes sense, right? Coz a certain amount of imagination is involved when you’re, you know, jerkin the gherkin? I used to think that animals are dumb, but now I have new respect for them… coz now when I see a monkey going, “Ooo ooo ooo ooo!”… I go, “That fucker’s thinking of monkey pussy” (L)… or monkey asshole, he could be thinking of monkey asshole, some of them are into that (L)… coz you know many of these animals are not from Malaysia, so it’s not a crime for them. (L)

But I was thinking… Can you imagine: the monkey, thinking in his monkey brain, “Yeah you love it, monkey bitch! (L) Who’s your alpha male now?” (L) I’m sorry, this monkey’s a bit chauvinistic. (L) Actually, the alpha males don’t masturbate… coz they get all the action. This is a big problem in the monkey community. The big monkey gets all the pussy and the little monkeys just, you know… milk their lizards. (L) It’s kinda like in college, ya know? (L) And it’s not even enjoyable masturbating… coz monkeys have pretty messed up hands. Many of them can’t even do this. They don’t have opposable thumbs so their grip is more like this. Now you try getting off like that! (L) I tried actually… in the name of science (L)… and it feels like a really loose vagina! (L)

Speaking of vaginas, girl monkeys masturbate as well. But it’s mostly the ugly ones. (L) You see them at the zoo – they’ve got scraggly hair, fucked up teeth, one tit hanging lower than the other – and you go, “that monkey’s not getting laid”. But they get by okay, you know, coz they can just help each other. Coz monkey hands, although not ideal for holding penises, they’re pretty great for rubbing clits. I always tell that joke and I never get a big laugh. Coz every time, all the ladies are going, “What kind of show is this?” (L) and all the guys are going, “What’s he talking about? (L) What’s a clit? (L) Is there another hole we don’t know about? (L)”

You know what’s really weird about these jokes. Every time after I tell them, after the show, they’ll be some guy who will come up to me to tell me weird animal facts. (L) There’ll be at least one guy who will be like, “Sim, did you know that koalas have lesbian sex?” Like I’m some sort of animal sex aficionado! (L) “Sim, I know we’ve only just met, but I think you’d want to know that dolphins gang rape their females!” “What?!?!” “Ya, they’re real assholes about it too, they just stick in in their blowholes!” “Duuuude!”

The other day, one guy came up to me and asked me, “Sim, do you know about the furries?”  and I’m like, “What are the furries?” “The furries are these people who dress up like animals and then they have sex with each other!” I’m like, “What? That is sick! What’s wrong with these people? Whatever happened to having sex with real animals?”