I haven't been creating and it's killing me.

I think I need to find some new things to do. My main things are: I need to feel like I am creating, I need to feel like I am getting better at something and I need to be able to talk to people (other than my wife and son). The past few weeks, I've just been a hermit, watching Depp vs Heard videos and Netflix. Sometimes, I chat with Tuck on messenger.

What can I do? I could go back to livestreaming/podcasting for a bit. It's easy to do and I don't have to work too hard if I don't want to, but then again, that would result in a shitty podcast. I do wonder if people still want to be on a podcast or livestream though. If they are a small time performer plugging a show, they wouldn't mind. If they are established, they'd probably not want to unless I already have a following, which I don't. I want to catch up with some friends like Jimmy Earll, and I think it's a lot of fun for me, but I also think it is not really good content. It was okay in 2020 during the global lockdown, but in 2022, nobody wants to watch that.  I could also just catch up with friends over Zoom and not stream it.

I could go back to doing comedy, but there's also a part of me that feels like I'm not really ready emotionally. If I'm being honest, I feel a bit of imposter syndrome because it's my tenth year anniversary this October and I've so little to show for it. I don't think I will return to stage until I have at least a new 10 minutes. I don't think I can actually enjoy myself at a show until I have new material. When I do old material, I can pretend to enjoy the show, but I feel like I'm dying creatively. And to be honest, two weeks ago, I was so doom and gloom about the other stuff that I felt guilty even thinking about jokes. But this week, I started to have some ideas again, so I'm starting to feel the itch a little, which I guess is a good thing. In hindsight, I realise my comedy has gone soft. I worry about the crowds not liking the shocking stuff at The Joke Factory and I worry about being hiring me for corporate gigs (hasn't happened in years, but I worry about it). I've been trying to be clean and I want to be liked. When I was performing with Douglas in 2014, he said my comedy is shocking which makes it unreliable. In a comedy club, it works, but in a big theatre, it doesn't. I kind of agree with him, but I also think I took that advice too much to heart, in hindsight. I'm not the best impressionist or the loudest or biggest performer, so I would choose the most colorful words. If I dial back those words, or over explain my stance, my jokes are just lame. And for the past few years, I do feel like my jokes are lame, and it is nobody's fault but mine. I've been carrying this fear of being misunderstood, and I have to let go of that.

I occasionally (like very very infrequently) get an idea for a Tik Tok video and I make that. I still haven't figured out how to make lots of videos. Maybe I need to pay more attention to the news. You know what I really need to learn how to do? I need to learn how to post a Tik Tok video and not check on it 200 times a day. Otherwise, this activity is more draining than it's worth.

I still don't have an idea what to do with my Youtube channel. I think it's probably going to be stand-up comedy related. I might shoot a small documentary series about open micers. Maybe some of the podcast footage can be re-used for that too.

Sometimes, I go on Facebook and post funny comments. That's for fun and I think it's harmless but again, I have to learn not to be a narcissist and spend all my time checking on these things.

The only other thing I do creatively is to write this blog. I think this is okay, but I also need some outlet where I can work on some half-baked premises. I feel like this blog plus the my jokes folder is not enough. There's a gap between that needs filling. Maybe I can just write that in this blog. The in between serious and funny stuff that could lead to comedy.

So okay, conclusion. I need: New jokes, stimulating conversation, sense of achievement and identity.

So the plan is: 

1. Write more blogs, including those weird thoughts that have no other place to go. 

2. Write more jokes and keep them as edgy as they were in 2013-2014. 

3. Keep creating Tik Tok videos and writing stuff on FB but I can only check on them at mealtimes and before bed. Oooh, this is going to be hard!

4. Work on the Youtube open-micer documentary series.

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