15 minute set for HEHE15 show

This is my set for the show tonight:

First of all, I just want to tell you guys I am voting for BN!

(BOO: I like that. Just testing only. Want to see if you guys are awake. LAUGH: Okay, that was my first joke. I love how you guys reacted. I think that tells you all you need to know about Malaysian politics. Nobody in this room voting BN ah? NO REACTION: Really ah? No reaction? Are we that numb already? BN ah? Ok ok. Arab donor, yes we can accept that explanation. Zahid Hamidi, can can, he can be PM. OMG, guys, I was just testing you! Of course I am not voting BN)

Also, no BN voter would ever say they are voting BN. It’s very interesting these past few elections, if you ask people who they are voting for, even if they don’t answer, you can tell who they are voting for by how loud they are speaking. If it’s a BN voter, they’ll be like “Undi itu rahsia.” If they are a PH voter, they will be like, “INI KALILAH!” So if you lose your eardrums, that’s a PH supporter. They are LOUD, boy!

You know it's election season when you see Tengku Zafrul on every page of every newspaper. He’s planting trees, he’s collecting kelapa sawit, he’s kissing babies. Yesterday, I saw a photo of him taking the LRT, like he’s one of us. I’m like “Dude, get the fuck out of here, you’re not one of us!” But there he was, in an LRT, hanging on like this, his face was like in deep thought, looking out of the LRT window, thinking of all the money he has in the bank! I think it should go in the Malaysian Book of Records as the shortest LRT ride ever because his chauffeur probably picked him up at the next station. And you just know next week, when the flooding starts, Tengku Zafrul will be there, doing what he does best - getting in the way of rescue workers. Can we just all agree that politicians have should be banned from doing photo-ops at disaster areas? If they want to help, just transfer the money to the victims. No need to go out on a boat with a camera crew and an entourage. Who do they think they’re fooling? What do they actually do at a flood? They just stand around and “Oh nampaknya basah lah, tempat ni!” “Ya, Datuk Seri. Memang basah, Datuk Seri. Pandai Datuk Seri. Mujurlah Datuk Seri ada disini.” No more politicians in disaster areas. That should be in our constitution! Vote for me next election.

I stopped reading the news leading up to the elections. I couldn't take it. Every day, some party leader is saying we might partner up with those guys, but then again we might not. We'll see. If they treat us right, we'll think about it. Hello? You want to form a coalition, just call them lah. Why you need to make a media statement all? You don't have telephone ah? Stop being a bitch and pick up the phone! All like a bunch of schoolgirls waiting to be asked to the prom. "I might go with Syed Saddiq if he asks me nicely." Hello, Hadi Awang, that's not going to happen lah!

Is everyone here voting next week? I think it's important that we all vote. If nobody votes, we wouldn't have a democracy. So it's important. I don't care who you vote, just vote...especially if you are voting opposition lah.

This election is different from previous elections in two ways. Firstly, people 18 years old can vote now. Which is awesome. It tickles me to think that on Saturday, young people are going to put down their PS2 controllers and then go out and vote. Maybe they'll vote for GTA (Gerakan Tanah Air). I seriously think that's why Dr M named his party GTA. He's trying to corner the gamers market.

The second difference is - this is the first time we will have 3 coalitions. 3 choices! Previously, voting was so simple because every voter fell into two categories - If you're not happy with the country, you voted for change... AND if you're racist, you voted BN. (What? Am I saying something shocking here? BN is the most progressive party izzit?) Simple! Only two choices! And their platforms were weak but easy to understand. One was always running on a platform of "Those guys are bad, so vote for us!" and the other was running on a platform of "If you think we're bad, they are even worse!" They're like a bunch of kids! He started it! No, he did! Did not! Did too! I’m tired lah! I have to be a parent to my kid and then I have to be a parent to these bozos.

 But ya, 3 coalitions to choose from! Singapore barely has a two party system and we have 3! And it's not because anybody has any new ideas, mine you. The ideas are still the same – vote for us, because we’re the same colour as you. PN is basically BN members who didn't get bribed enough by Najib and Zahid. And I don’t buy that BS that Muhyiddin is super clean and against corruption. For about two years, we pretended that he was because we wanted to believe – we really wanted to believe that BN people could be good. Is he good? Is he fake? Nobody knows! And then he went in the backdoor and fucked everything up - which is bad - but on some level all of us were like, "Ah ya lah. This is more like what we expect lah from a former UMNO fler." Parti Pribumi - Pribumi is just a codeword for bumiputra, which is a codeword for Melayu. "What? You want to know our party manifesto? You heard of UMNO? Ah, our party is like that lah. We are just as racist as them. Just that we won't admit it lah."

So the ideas are still the same but we have more choices now because nobody can get along. They tried to get along but they just could not. PAS hates DAP, DAP hates UMNO, UMNO is ghosting PAS, and nobody likes Azmin Ali. Even his brother wanted to run against him. His campaign slogan was "Ooo, I hate my brother!" But in the end, he didn't run because he said he dreamt of his mom who told him not to run. I think he dreamt of the RM5000 deposit lah.

I personally have a rule I go by which is that I will never vote for a party that has the name of a race in the title. How fucked up is it that we still have parties with race in the title? What year is it? If you were in, let's say England and they had a political party that's let's just say fighting for the rights of white people, people would be appalled. They would be riots! The whole of western civilisation would collapse. In America, it's normal lah. In other countries, people are at least pretending to be separated by ideology, but here in Malaysia, we're like "We have Malay party, claiming to fight for the rights of the Malay majority and then we have a Chinese party and an Indian party claiming to fight for the rights of the minorities AND to further insult your, all these parties are in the same coalition! HOW STUPID DO THEY THINK WE ARE? Every election, MCA is like "vote for us, we'll fight for the rights of the Chinese," and MIC is like "vote for us, we'll fight for the rights of the Indians" and UMNO is like "Don't worry, they won't!"... which is closer to the truth. If MCA or MIC had fought for the rights of the Chinese or Indians, we would have more meritocracy in this country. And if UMNO had fought for the rights of the Malays, they wouldn't be poor. 

What is the deal with Khairy Jamaluddin? Why is everyone talking as if he is the best minister in the history of parliamentary democracy? "He's such a good health minister!" Why? Because he didn't say warm water can cure Covid? He's only good in comparison to people from his party because everyone is a fuckup. And now they're pushing him forward as some sort of bait and switch poster boy, saying "Khairy can be PM someday." Yes ah? When? Can Khairy be PM today? No? Is Khairy the president of UMNO? No, it's still Zahid, the guy with pending trial cases. Ah, I see... then WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT - "Khairy can be PM". If Khairy can be PM someday, then Khairy fangirls can start voting for BN someday but right now, we have a country to save.

Also, I don't trust Khairy. He defended Najib's Arab donor explanation, and he sold access to people who wanted to see Pak Lah. He is not a good person. I trust him even less than I trust other people in BN. Coz those other flers, they are greedy but they are also incompetent, so they will mess up and get caught. I'd rather have stupid greedy than smart greedy. I'm Malaysian! Stupid greedy I am used to but smart greedy is unchartered waters. Who knows what might happen?

He's being sidelined by his party but I don't feel sorry for him at all. They put him in Sungai Buloh. Did you guys see Khairy speaking Mandarin on social media? You know you've been sideline by the Malay party when you start speaking Mandarin on Tik Tok. I'm just saying. It's horrendous. I urge you not to Google it. His Mandarin is almost as bad as John Cena's. But I commend him on his ability to speak Chinese, even though no Chinese person can understand anything he's saying. And I'll trust him no further than I can throw him.

Okay, I shit on BN, I shit on PN, now it's time to shit on PH. I don't think they are angels also. For 2 years, they were in power and I just felt like every day, the news was like, "We can't do anything. It's too hard. Najib stole all our money." Wan Azizah was the women's minister and she couldn't stop child marriages. It's too hard, we can't make any changes. We waited and waited and finally, she's like "Yay! We did it! We now have some SOPs on child marriages." (Facepalm)

But having said that, I think I will still be voting them, not because I think everyone in there is super capable but I really believe in that old adage - politicians are like diapers and both need to be changed often. You know it is time to change government when the government is not just corrupt but so corrupt until they don't even know how to lie! You know it's time to change government when the excuse is "Er...Arab donor!" and we DID change the government and they came back in through the backdoor.

So I guess the thing is people will ask, if the government can still form new coalitions after the elections, and do like Sheraton move, backdoor government etc, why bother to vote? Well, the reason is you need to show them you are against all their stupid shenanigans. Yes, they will still try their stupid shit - "Arab donor lah, I need to get out of prison because of medical reason lah, etc etc" but it is all up to us to say "Ehhh ehhhh! Cannot cannot! Don't try all that nonsense!" and the first step is to vote. 

And if you are young, especially, it is super important for you to vote. Don't rely on old people like me to fight for you. We're old and tired. Also, we don't give a fuck about young people issues. We don't care about the environment, not really. Cancelled concerts don't bother us. We've been living with cronyism so long, we're used to it. If we see corruption, we just shrug our shoulders and say "What to do? Malayia Boleh Mah"! We're all just old and tired. Don't emulate our old people energy. We need people with drive and passion to say "FUCK THIS SHIT! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING IN MY COUNTRY!" Do your thing. Don't emulate us. If young people start sounding like old uncles at the kopitiam, the country is fucked.

(OPTIONAL: During Bersih 4, I remember a week before the rally, a lot of people were like we must go to this rally and show that we care about the nation and our election process and say no to this 1MDB nonsense. Then one of my friends, who is older than me, he’s like “Aiya no use one lah. You go there and take selfies for one day, won’t change anything one lah!” You must do like Hong Kong like that – Umbrella revolution. Or like New York, Occupy Wall Street. You stay there and don’t leave until the government gives in to your demands. Then one week before the rally, there was another demonstration called Occupy Parliament. Some young people were really staying there and not moving. I told my friend, “Uncle, now got Occupy Parliament already. This is your thing man. Go lah and join.” He didn’t go of course. He was all talk only. You know what he ended up doing? The following week, he went to Bersih to take selfies just like the rest of us. Typical Malaysian uncle. Don’t rely on us to change the country. We’re all old and tired already.)

Please lah, let’s change the country. I want to be proud of Malaysia. I don’t want to be the stupid country with poor infrastructure but have the second tallest building in the world. That’s not something to be proud of. It doesn’t show we’re a great nation. It just shows that we have a penis problem… and we don’t know where to spend our money. We need better schools and better education and hospitals and public transport. Malaysians haven’t had anything to be proud of for awhile, which is why every time a Singaporean athlete does well, we will scrutinise their background to see if they have any Malaysian ties. Is he formerly Malaysian? Are his parents Malaysian? Oh wait, his grandfather on his mother’s side has a sister who is Malaysian. He’s Malaysian! That is what we’ve become now. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be proud of just some random fler with Malaysian ties who did well overseas. I want to be proud of the country itself. I want to go to Singapore and look my Singaporean cousins in the eye when they say their country has good governance and infrastructure and say “We also have what!”

Next week is election day. Let's all go out and vote! Today we're on the right side of morality, next week we will be on the right side of history. Unless you're voting BN lah, in which case, God help us!