I stopped procrastinating and it wasn't so bad

Okay, I wrote my roast jokes. I hope it's enough for tonight. As always, I should have done this days ago, so that I didn't have to be so high strung the past few days. First round is against Mike, and if I win that, the 2nd round is against the winner of the Nat-Mikhail matchup. I only needed 4 jokes each, but I panicked and wrote a few extra just in case. I love my friends and I don't mean any of these things, but here's what I wrote...

Vs MIKE SADDI

Mike once auditioned for the role of a Klingon in a Star Trek movie and got rejected. They said his forehead was too big.

Fortunately, to take attention away from his forehead, Mike has this giant belly. Mike’s kid is the only kid in the nursery who has to put up with Yo Daddy So Fat jokes.

When Mike heard there was a roast, he was super excited and called me to ask if it was a roast pork, roast beef or roast chicken. Mike’s arteries pray every day that Jollibee doesn’t open a branch in his neighborhood. Once they do, it's game over!

Mike's favourite superhero is Batman, which is why Mike is aspiring to also be a superhero - Fatman. Superpowers include X-Ray vision for finding the nearest KFC. And a utility belt for storing fried chicken wings.

Mike worked 11 jobs in 16 years. Comedy is not one of them, obviously. 

Mike, I don't mean any of these things I said, but I do mean this... please go on a diet. There's no way that body is wrapped around a healthy heart. I can hear your organs calling for an intervention, they’re like Sim please save us!

Vs NAT KANG

Nat is someone who needs no introduction to the comedy scene – he is the sound guy. What? Don't be mean to the sound guy. Maybe one day, he can start doing comedy.

Nat is a very good optometrist but despite all his optometry skills, he still can’t see that he should quit comedy.

I wanted to write some gay jokes but writing gay jokes is hard. Almost as hard as Nat in a gay bar.

Nat is a long distance swimmer. He practices his strokes at Kelab Syabas. After that, he practices his swimming.

Nat is of Chinese and Indian descent which explains his dimensions. He has the height on an Indian Man and the length of a Chinese Man.

Vs MIKHAIL  SVRCULA

Mik is someone who needs no introduction in the comedy scene, because nobody’s heard of him.

Mik shares a house with his co-workers – his parents. It’s hard, right? You can’t fire your son, you can’t hit your employees.

Mik is half yellow and half white, which is why he has the same skintone as a pair of old Bata shoes.
(Actually, Mik is Chinese German. He is what you call an off-white supremacist).

Mik has a tattoo of a joystick on his arm. It’s not actual size. His joystick is much smaller. (By the way, I like playing with his joystick. Doing doing doing).

In order to fight racial inequality in this country, Mik only dates Malay girls. Those poor girls. I think we’re about even now.

Mik’s favorite marvel character is Deadpool, because they have the same skintone - sun-damaged A4 paper white.