This is the biggest one so far

Had a big fight with the wife.

About a month or two ago, she had taken out her EPF to go to Kyrgystan and buy a car for this young man I think she has a crush on. After that, she had no more money of her own, but he kept asking her for money, and she would ask me for money and I would say no. The last time he asked her for money to go on a ski trip for his birthday, she asked me, and as usual, I said no. She just keep asking, I just keep saying no. Just now, our son came into the room and she showed him a video of the guy on his birthday ski trip. So our son asked where he got the money from. She said she gave him the money. This is not her EPF money anymore. This is not money I agreed to give him. This is money I gave to her for our monthly expenses, but she gave to him. When me and our son confronted her, she insisted she had told me she gave him money for the ski trip which is some gaslighting bullshit because she did not tell me. She asked me, I said no, she did it anyway by embezzling our family's monthly expenses money. That is not the same as telling me.

And then she had the gall to try and turn it around by playing victim and make me the villain, by shouting, "So how? You want to forever don't forgive me lah! You don't love me."

That was the last straw. I fucking lost it. I yelled at her at the top of my voice. The type of yelling where you needed to pause to get the words out. I lost my voice after that. I'm normally not the yeller in this relationship. In fact, I'm the quiet one. She interrupts my sentences all the time and I just let it slide. Sometimes she interrupts me without even having anything important to say, and I feel like she just does it to make me feel small. It's okay. None of that matters. But this matters. This, I cannot and must not let slide.

It's not like I want to win an argument, but my whole life has been a long series of giving in to her and now I just feel like she never even loved me, or that her love is limited to hugs and platitudes. She never respects any of our plans together, she does whatever she wants and then asks for more money, and now even when I have specifically said we are not going to give this Kyrgystan man money, she does it anyway. I mean nothing to her. She just yeah yeahs everything I say and then just does whatever she pleases and then lets me just deal with it later. I'm just not having it anymore. She tried the old, "You don't love me" and realised it was obviously not working this time so she started the old, "So what you want me to do? You want me to die? I should just swallow all the pills I have and die, is that it? Is that what you want?" I did not fall for it. If you said yes, you're a murderer. If you said no, you're on the slippery slope to conceding the argument. I said nothing. I left the room.

She kept texting me and I texted back that I didn't want to be near her. She wanted to cuddle, she wanted to give me a hug. It was as if she really believed that if she gave me a hug, everything would be okay and back to normal. Anyway, I didn't want any of that, she I just stayed in the TV room and we texted back and forth.

I don't remember if I have mentioned on this blog before but I always believed that I married a narcissist, but I never told her about it because what would be the point of that? She would see the error of her ways and turn normal? No, we'd just have another fight that I have no energy for and I would lose. In a court of just two people, you cannot win with logic.

I didn't want to talk to her but we texted back and forth.

Her: Can I please come and hug you? I am hurting too

Me: I don't want that. Hugs amidst lies mean nothing

Her: Please talk to me

Me: You don't think you did anything wrong

Her: I am sorry. I won't send him money again.

Me: You are not sorry.

Her: I am sorry

Me: What are you sorry for?

Her: I am sorry I sent him money. But if he doesn't retrieve it, I will give you back the money (Note: I did not realise it at the time, but this is also a lie because obviously, he had already received the money, because he gone on a ski trip, which he had no money of his own to pay for)

Me: It won't undo the fact that you did it. You have started to lie. And scheme. What else are you sorry about?

Her: I am sorry for upsetting you. I didn't completely lie because I told you the truth.

Me: You said: Can I have the money? I said: No. You took the money I gave you for paying bills and gave it to him. Is that the way to do things? Is that the same as telling me?

Her: I wanted to tell you Actually, I didn't want to send him the money because he blocked me

Me: But you did. Her: I feel bad because a few weeks ago, I said I will help him Me: If you can lie once, you can keep lying forever. Even if I wanted to trust you, I cannot trust you. Even if I wanted to believe you, I cannot believe you, any more than I can believe the sky is green. Her: You decide, B. Me: Don't make me the villain. I did not lie. Her: You said you can't trust me anymore. So what is the next step? Me: I don't know what is the next step. I just know you cannot be trusted. Her: I will try to make you trust me again. Me: I hope you are patient Her: I am here for the long haul. I love you. Don't shout at me please. It is really heart-breaking. Me: I couldn't take it when you did something wrong and then make me the villain. Her: I didn't make you the villain. Me: You go on your Facebook and ask: If someone did something wrong and then they say, "So how? You don't ever want to forgive me forever? You don't love me anymore?", should I forgive this person? Go ahead and ask that. See what kind of answers you get. Her: You ask. I don't post such things on FB Do you feel love or hate? It's simple. If you hate me, I know what to do. Me: I love you but I cannot trust any words you say because you don't respect the words that you say.

Her: You and (our son) are better off without me. Me: You said you are here for the long haul but you want instant forgiveness, which is why once again you are making me the villain Her: I am not asking for instant forgiveness Me: Making me the villain -> You saying: Do you feel love or hate? It's simple. If you hate me, I know what to do.

Playing victim -> You saying: You and (our son) are better off without me. Her: That's not what I meant. Can we just cuddle? Me: I don't feel like it. Can you respect that? Her: But I really want to be close to you. Me: That's the problem. You only think of what you want. Her: I am telling you what I want but I respect what you want. Me: I want to be alone right now Her: I want to have sex with you right now Me: I am not in the mood. The fact that you think I would be tells me you don't understand what you did. Her: Sorry. I am not thinking straight. I am quite distraught. I just want to kiss you and make everything better. Me: I just want you to know this - a narcissist would never admit they are wrong. They will say sorry and demand to be forgiven and if not, they will blame people for not loving them enough and not being forgiving enough Her: So should I kill myself? Me: ^^^ Narcissistic behaviour, playing victim, deflecting blame. Her: You just tell me I am one but you don't tell me how to stop being one. Is there rehabilitation facilities? (She said this out of impulse, to attack my lack of knowledge about rehabilitation, but in doing so, she trapped herself into the topic of rehabilitation) Or should I kill myself? I don't know how to deal with it Me: If you are serious, you can see a therapist Her: I read all the symptoms. I am not narcissistic. I have been nothing but kind to you. (See how quickly she backed out of it? I didn't press her on it. I wasn't going to win this one.) Me: If you think embezzling money and lying is normal, that makes everything okay then. Her: I am not embezzling Me: Did I say, "Take this money and give it to (Kyrgystan man)" ? Did I not specifically say don't give him money? Your EPF money is yours and you can do whatever you want with it. But that is all gone now and you've started squirreling away our money to give to him. That is dishonest. Her: Just today. I haven't given him any money for awhile. I am sorry. But I did come clean. Me: If after what you've done today, you can still tell me you are honest, I really cannot trust your judgement and your morals. Her: I didn't lie. Me: ^^^ This is a problem Her: Nothing I say will ever make it right again. I apologise to you and let me die ok. Ask Fred Miller to sell my pyrex and ask John to sell all my textiles. Me: Playing victim and shifting blame again. You have no new tricks. Always the same old narcissistic tricks you have been using on your family, coworkers and past boyfriends. Her: Then just let me die Me: ^ This move is so old Her: Can you come to bed please?

- I didn't reply after that because it was just going to go around in circles. I tried sleeping in the living room. Our son said he wanted to check in on her after all that talk about dying and killing herself, so I said yes, please check on her and make sure she is okay, and if he wanted to forgive her, I would understand too, but I can't forgive her right now. I love her but I cannot trust her and I wanted to be alone. Then she came to me and tried to solve all the problems with hugs but I just moved away from her. I didn't want to be near her. She chased me around for awhile and then I went back to bed but I wanted to sleep on my side and not be touched. She tried and every time, I would leave the room, so after awhile she stopped trying. She slept on her side of the bed and I slept on my side of the bed.

That's our biggest fight so far. I don't know what will happen next and I don't know what to do from now on. I can withhold money and take charge of paying all the bills myself but there is still the issue of her credit card which she is just yoloing every month and racking up huge bills. She actually owes a gallery 17,000 buckaroos that we don't have. She said since I am not giving her any money to pay for it, she will use her credit card for it.

Her credit card spending deserves a separate blog post. I'll write about that tomorrow.