Times when I was happy (I think)

Periods of my life when I remember being happy:

1. When I was a kid and navigating school. I was not athletic or popular, and I was basically just trying to fit in, but I had friends and although classes were mostly a drag, there were highlights like when a teacher was sick and we got the period off. After school, I'd try to finish my homework so when the cartoons come on in the late afternoon, I could kick back and watch some guilt free Flintstones.

2. When I was in college, after STPM, before university. I was young and confident and I was a bright student. Not always the most hardworking but I did what I needed to get good grades. I was learning a lot. And I was quite popular too. I hung out with the English speaking kids who came from international schools and also the Chinese educated kids. My girlfriend was super Chinese so I was speaking a lot of Cantonese back then. Later, she went to California and I went to Iowa and we broke up.

3. When I was in university in Iowa. Actually, I was miserable because I was away from home for the first time and I missed my girlfriend and also, I didn't understand the course work, so I kind of drifted off and just played pool and MUDs. But I was also learning about myself. I discovered I liked writing, or at least I was quite good at it and got praised for it. I was not doing well at almost everything else. But for better or worse, those were definitely formative years for me. Bad times but also some good memories.

4. When I was in university in Australia. My friends and I were all geeks and we played MtG, and computer games all the time. I geeked out for 3 years and finally got a Bachelor's degree.

5. When I was doing a lot of rock climbing between 2001 -2004. I had a crew that I saw twice a week and basically we would only talk about climbing. Otherwise, we had little in common. But because we were all so obsessed with climbing, it was ok. I had never had something just take up all my  headspace like that before and this was when I suspected I had an obsessive personality. I was already in the 30s so I wasn't competitive but I was pushing myself physically and it felt good.

6. When my kid was young. He's 14 now and he's grumpy and snarky and stressed out about his future. But I remember when he was young and innocent and we'd play with mini figures or go cycling together or play at the playground. He didn't know anything about the world, but he was so full of life! He enjoyed everything! I love him because I have always loved him. But if I wasn't his dad and I didn't know him and we just met today, I don't think we'd make much of a connection. We were so close when he was young! He'd talk to me about anything. He'd ask me things. I was his window into the world. I felt like I wasn't good at anything but goddammit, I was a great dad! Now, I just feel like I'm not good at anything at all. I'm not a good dad. I haven't prepared him enough for the world. And now, when I do try to nudge him along the right path, he's resistant. I hope he turns out alright somehow.

7. There was a brief period around 2009 when I had this really niche hobby which was to drive RC vehicles, particularly rock crawlers and buggies. Those things were always breaking and it gave us a creative outlet trying to figure out how to modify them to minimise breakage. Sometimes you could just buy an aftermarket aluminium part to replace a plastic one. Sometimes you had to get a bit resourceful and find parts from other vehicles. The situation at work was also simpler at the time and my dad hadn't gotten ill yet.

8. My first 3 years in comedy. In my mind, I was the best. I was original and I had great jokes and I was already getting laughs from the get go and I still had time to get better. I think I started listening to the other comedians about what "good" was and I lost my confidence. To a lot of them, good meant being able to warm up a cold crowd, like in a corporate show. To others, being good meant you needed to be able to do a large chunk of crowd-work, or improvise. To others, it meant having lots of punchlines. To others, it means appealing to a large audience. These are all true, by the way. You need to be able to do all these things to some extent, to be considered good. By these measures, I was not good. But I was getting laughs. And then, in an effort to improve, I started studying standup. I learnt the theory of what works and how you're supposed to do it. That was a mistake. The more I learnt, the less funny I felt and the less funny I became. I felt like I was trying to do comedy. I didn't need to try. I already knew how. My best comedy was from around 2012-2014. I am trying to recapture that, but with new material.

9. The beginning of the pandemic, or I should say the beginning of the global lockdown. It felt a bit like a make believe situation, like that the floor is lava game we used to play as kids. I felt like I was in my element because I don't really know how to be an adult and I never had a proper job and I always feel lost in adult conversations, but I knew how to be a kid and now that everyone's home, pretty much being kids, I felt like I could relate to everyone. I learnt how to do a livestream and  talked to Paul Ogata, Pete Johanson, Rizal, Harith.