Choking back the tears

I did some shows last week. I forgot how alive I can feel and realise I've really been just emotionally drifting for the past year. I did 2 mics on Tuesday and Wednesday and then 3 shows at the Joke Factory.

One thing I realise now is it is so much better to cram all the mics and shows into one week rather than spread them out over a few weeks. The first mic or two, I was a bit shaky, but it all came back really fast and by Friday, I was in the zone again. The Joke Factory show was put together by Mike Saddi early this year but got postponed due to the last lockdown. Glad I had that one lined up, because I really feel like I was pretty much off everyone's radars when things opened up. On Tuesday, I was quite nervous because I felt rusty but also because it was my first time performing since recovering from Covid and my lungs and airways are still irritated sometimes, which can send me into a random coughing fit. I was okay throughout the night but during the interval, I was talking to Prakash and Ashley and we were in the middle of a conversation and I just about teared up from trying to stop myself from coughing. When there was a lull in the conversation, I excused myself and went downstairs, into the street, to cough. I was worried that this was going to be a long term effect of Covid that I'd have to live with for the rest of my life, and what that would mean for my standup. Now, looking back on it a week later, I think it's gotten much better. Yesterday, I think I didn't have any coughing at all. I guess it will take time to fully heal but I do feel like I'm almost there and I am certainly well enough to keep doing standup, so I'm happy.

One thing I realised last week was it really helped a lot to have all the mics on the same week and get in lots of back-to-back practice days. It helped tremendously with the confidence and keeping my mind focused on jokes throughout the week. Before the pandemic, I used to just do a mic here and there and I never really feel like I'm ever really in the zone with my comedy, and I never really figured out why. Another thing I realised is I think I have enough for a half hour show now. I have about 30-minutes of material that I've been rotating in my weekend spots the past few years. It's cutting it close. Ideally I would like to have at least 45 minutes of pretty solid material before I do a 30-minute show, but if I really wanted to, I can take this 30-minutes of material and do a cheap show while I work on these jokes and see if I can expand them to something more. In any case, I think I am close to ready for a co-headlining show, which is what has been happening on the weekends at the Crackhouse.

We just got back from Teluk Intan a few days ago. We were there for 3 days, visiting the in-laws. It was fun. Also visited Pantai Remis for one morning. Sort of a recon trip. It's a nice place, but just started to get dirty and filled with tourists and trash. On the way back from Teluk Intan, we swung by Gopeng town and also our friend Amy's farm near there. It was a fun trip, although I would say between my wife, my son and I, my wife typically enjoys travelling the most, my son the least, and I'm somewhere in between.

Yesterday, my wife wanted to go see a Rafflesia in Lojing (near Cameron Highlands). It was just a short hike from the trail head but it was a 3-hour drive there and a 3-hour drive home, so it was a full day trip. We saw the rafflesia, so I'd say it was worth it.

My son started playing Soul Knight on the phone with me again, so that's been our bonding activity this week. It's quite nostalgic because we played it when he was much younger, so I'm hanging on to this as long as I can. 

I do feel this whole week has been just us rushing about because everything is urgent and everything needed doing immediately, and there was no time for any of what I would consider leisurely pursuits, and of course, that's very different from how things felt during the lockdown. There's a part of me that's saying it's just that this week was busy, but there's also a part of me that thinks life was always like this before the lockdown. In any case, I don't want my life to be like this, so I'm going to have to pay more attention to my priorities and my schedule. I think what I consider leisure activities, my wife considers just a temporary inconvenience she has to put up with, and what she considers leisure activities, I consider a temporary inconvenience. So we'll each have to fight for my leisure time. The schedule I drew up for myself a month ago will need some adjustments to include more family activities. I think I'll only have time to do livestreams once a week. And I've stopped kidding myself about building a following, or a brand or a community or anything like that on Twitch. People much more entertaining and dilligent and capable than myself are only getting double digit viewers. The only reason I stream on Twitch is because I'm a lonely guy looking for people to talk to (other than my wife and kid). So yeah, the new schedule will have comedy, writing, family time, rock climbing, a little livestreaming, and of course tons of other miscellaneous stuff I can't think of right now.

All in all, I'd say things are stressing me out a bit, but also, kind of looking up.