Writing to stay afloat

To be honest, I think I'm just going to be doing flow of consciousness writing for the foreseeable future here.

Last Wednesday was hard. Found out Lynn Ruth died in the morning, and then at night, I had to guest host on Patfern and Gurpal's Church of Cab podcast. Patfern talked about his suicide attempt in public for the first time. I kind of have a fascination with the thought process of suicide survivors but also was trying to watch myself so I don't ask or say anything insensitive.

Having talked to Patfern, I feel like I've never been and will never be suicidal. I just don't have it in me. I think too much and procrastinate too much. Having said that, I think I am prone to depression though.

The past few days have not been easy. I'm pretty sure it's all in my imagination but it feels like the world has been a quiet and boring place since Lynn Ruth died. It wasn't like we were talking a lot before that anyway. Just the thought we're never going to talk again is weird. I guess it's going to take awhile before I can wrap my head around it.

And it's not just Lynn Ruth's death. I think I'm also having a case of the pandemic blues. Or maybe post-pandemic anxiety. Maybe it's both. The world is opening up, but it also feels like the world is closing in on me. I'm going to have to face reality again. I have to sort out my taxes. I need to pay some bills. I have to find out if I still know how to do comedy. Also, I'm not sure if I've been spending my time wisely. The past year and a half, I basically learnt to stream, kind of. I know how to set up a stream, but I don't know how to do a really good stream and market it and build up a following. It's like knowing how to play chess but not being good at chess. I think I'm never going to figure out how to be big on Twitch. I look at the people who are doing well on Twitch and I know I'm on the wrong platform. I'm not a good gamer, I'm not young and attractive, I am not musically talented, I'm not super warm with strangers, I don't like showing a lot of emotions, I'm not good at showing gratitude, I'm not even comedically skilled in the way that works on Twitch. I hope I can find my people on Youtube. Okay, end of Twitch rant. I complain but I actually signed up for a two week charity drive on Twitch that some of the Malaysian streamers are organising (Miss Ramen and friends, I think) and I'm kind of scratching my head trying to think of what to do for it. But to be honest, I don't have to do anything special for it. I could do what I normally do and just stream some wood carving or gaming and put up the Overlays and ask people to donate. That would be me doing the minimal amount of work. I've also been thinking of moving my Checking In on Funny Peeps show to Twitch to give it a try but could never bring myself to doing it because my FB audience like Anji, Patfern and Bing don't have Twitch accounts. In the long run, I'm going to be moving to Youtube though, because that's probably where I see my comedy combining with my other creative content. Twitch is a nice safe playground but I've gotten a little addicted to the idea of it, if I'm being honest. Some days, I turn it on, see that nothing exciting is happening and I leave it running on the least objectionable channel.

If the Malaysian government didn't have all these really draconian laws and ad campaigns on drugs, I think I would probably be a substance abuser. I have the personality for it. Instead, now I find legal things to be addicted to, like Twitch or Youtube or Netflix or Facebook or computer games. Once in awhile, I try to nudge myself into addictions that are more productive or healthy like playing the guitar or rock climbing.

Oops, gtg back in the Matrix. Sorry my writing is all over the place today. Write more later.

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