Sam's Sanity Diary

Norm Macdonald died a couple days ago. Never met him but I know I'm going to miss his comedy. I watched a lot of it. I think you probably noticed I'm preoccupied with death at the moment. With Lynn Ruth and Norm Macdonald and us talking about suicide last week and with me constantly worrying about dying and my kid not being prepared for the world. I guess I'm obsessed with control. I wish I could just know that everything will be all right. But of course, there is no way of knowing for sure. So I distract myself with the hobbies and interests but the fear of everything spinning out of control is always in the background. So I zoom in and focus on carving a piece of wood, or learning a song on the guitar, or finishing a computer game and everything is okay for awhile, until something else needs attention and then I zoom out and see that everything is fucked up. My son needs to transition from homeschooling to University, my friend Bob is still not fully recovered, we had 220...

To be honest, I think I'm just going to be doing flow of consciousness writing for the foreseeable future here. Last Wednesday was hard. Found out Lynn Ruth died in the morning, and then at night, I had to guest host on Patfern and Gurpal's Church of Cab podcast. Patfern talked about his suicide attempt in public for the first time. I kind of have a fascination with the thought process of suicide survivors but also was trying to watch myself so I don't ask or say anything insensitive. Having talked to Patfern, I feel like I've never been and will never be suicidal. I just don't have it in me. I think too much and procrastinate too much. Having said that, I think I am prone to depression though. The past few days have not been easy. I'm pretty sure it's all in my imagination but it feels like the world has been a quiet and boring place since Lynn Ruth died. It wasn't like we were talking a lot before that anyway. Just the thought we're never going to ...

Hi Lynn Ruth, Sorry I didn't write you earlier. You were always so good at replying emails immediately. When I saw that you hadn't replied in over a week, I was filled with dread. I tried to hang on to a glimmer of hope that maybe you were just too tired and needed a few more days rest. But now you're gone and you won't be reading this, which makes me kind of crazy to be writing it.  I used to make fun of people who wrote on social media to dead celebrities. I thought it was pretentious. Who were they writing to? The recipient is dead! But I kind of get it now. At least, a little. I tried to write something about you on Facebook this morning. It was hard to refer to you in the third person. Writing to you is so much easier. I guess this really is more for me than you, if I'm being honest. I don't know what you would say to that, but I bet it would be hilarious and comforting. I don't know how you do it. Just bringing joy to people you talk to. I don't th...

It is September 7th today. I can't believe it. 2020 feels like it was just yesterday. 2019 feels like it was just yesterday. I feel like I've squandered the past year. That might be the mid-life crisis talking. Who am I kidding? I'm 50. There's a good chance I'm 3/4 into the grave already. I'm worried about Lynn Ruth. We've been exchanging emails. I'm bad at replying. It usually takes me over a week to reply her. But she always replies back almost immediately. She hasn't replied in 8 days. She has cancer and she's under UK's medical aid but we're also raising some money for her to get private medical treatment if she needs. She's 87. In October 11th, she'll be 88. Knock on wood. I'm worried I don't really know how to do comedy anymore. It's been a big part of my identity for the past 9 years. Tonight, I'm having a livestream chat with Raqib and Michelle. To be honest, I'm not too worried about that. The stakes ...