I'm not going anywhere, literally and figuratively

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't think I am handling this lockdown very well.

Remember when the first one hit, 14 months ago, and everyone was doing online yoga and making sourdough bread, and sharing pictures of their meals? I felt so alive then. I was actually telling myself that if I could just figure out something new to do, I could go back to feeling like that. But I'm just not feeling it. Not right now, anyway. Right now, it feels like the opposite of that. 

Maybe this is the lowest point. But not really. Not in reality. In reality, my problems are miniscule. If having problems was a sport, I'd be a spectator. But the feelings must come from somewhere. I keep thinking, maybe if I was smarter or dumber, I can figure out how good things actually are, and I would feel better.

And then I just tell myself, "Hang in there. Tomorrow will be better." But that's also what I say to people when I can't think of anything else to say. I said it yesterday, and the day before. But lately, it seems like every day has been harder than the day before. Maybe it's just a rough patch.

I don't want to be like this, you know. In my head, I'm always telling myself to just stop it. Like that Bob Newhart sketch, you know.

I'm probably making this sound a lot more dramatic than it really is. That's kind of what I do, you know. I don't want anyone to worry, so I'm writing this off stream. It's not like I'm going to do anything stupid. That's not even within the realm of possibility. Where would I even find the energy to do that?

It's okay. I just wanted to write down how I feel, so this moment is not lost forever.

Tomorrow will be better.

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