Today feels heavy

I am having another one of those days where I'm just not very functional. I have to remind myself to read my messages every now and then. Just answer the ones that are more urgent and skip the rest. I think I can manage that. I am writing this from a cafe. I'm waiting for my son to be done at the trampoline park nearby and then I will feed him and bring him home and make sure he showers before going on his computer. He has an online class at 5pm. I'll remind him. Parenting doesn't stop. There's a bunch of other things I could fit in today if I really tried but I just don't feel like it. It almost feels like I can't do them today. I have a livestream tonight at 9pm. I will be talking to Jenhan. He's a great guest and always funny and interesting and I'm looking forward to what he has been up to, but there's also another part of me that just wishes it wasn't tonight. It would be better if it was tomorrow. I feel like I'd do a much better job tomorrow. It's like I'm a college kid asking for an extension on an assignment except, this isn't college. This is life. There are no extensions in life. You just have to keep moving forward. Besides, there's no guarantee that I wouldn't be feeling this way or worse tomorrow.

I wish time would stop today and we could just continue tomorrow. These are privileged thoughts, I know. It comes from having an easy life, I know. But that just explains how I got here. It doesn't tell me where I need to go or what I need to do, to stop feeling this way. I think it is important to acknowledge these feelings but I still hide them from others. I'm not hiding it on this blog. I don't want to bother other people with my trivial problems but if anybody else feels the same way I'm feeling, I just want them to know they're not alone.

I'm okay. I'm not hurting. I'm not in pain, I think. I'm not suicidal. I'm not self-harming. I don't think I am depressed. Although that last one is not up to me. That would be self-diagnosis which we all know is unreliable. Maybe I'm just lazy. Or not strong.

It just feels like today, the whole weight of everything - growing old, mortality, maybe being a bad parent, financial insecurity, my wife's happiness, some parking tickets, some chores I haven't done, the things I haven't achieved in life, the environment, the pandemic, racism, sexism, Donald Trump, Kanye West - just everything feels heavier today for some reason. Maybe they were always heavy and today is one of those days I'm not able to block them all out. Maybe this is normal. Maybe today, I am human, and all those other days when I am okay, I am just being an automaton. Maybe strength comes from ignorance.

Maybe I just have to find a happy medium between being real and being functional.

I'm hopeful. I hope tomorrow, everything will be back to "normal" whatever that is.

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