Comedy don't live here no more

My relationship with comedy is very different now from when I first started 11 years ago, or even as recent as a year ago. For the longest time, it was always The Dream. I guess I've been chasing it so long, I got into the habit of chasing it and not living it. I got a gig coming up, and it's probably the first serious corporate gig since I started performing 11 years ago, and I still feel under-qualified for it. I've always been a decent club comic but I suck at writing and performing clean, corporate-friendly jokes to people who are not necessarily fans of standup. It has always been an area of weakness that I always thought I'd work on later but I kept neglecting it and now, it kind of feels like I've run out of time and I just have to throw myself into the deep end of the pool and teach myself how to swim. I have to come up with something good and clean in less than 2 weeks.

I never thought I'd say this, but comedy is work now. Most of the time, I dread it. The highlight of the next two weeks will be the relief I feel when the gig is done and I somehow scrapped through. That's what I am looking forward to.

I dread finding out I'm not funny. I wish I could reset my thinking and just take it easy but it's so hard. I understand why so many of my friends quit comedy. It's hard. Your ego gets bruised constantly. I worry too much about how funny I am. If I can just accept that I am not funny and just see the writing and performing as just a job, I think it might actually be easier. If it's just a job, then I don't have to like it, and I don't have to be defined by it. It's just something I am willing to do for money.

I know I am not the funniest. When I first started, I set out to be the funniest. I didn't see the point of even trying if I didn't think I could one day be the very best. That delusion was useful to keep me going for the first few years, but then it dissipated as I looked at how I was doing overall. If I took my best jokes right now and performed next to Rizal or Kavin or Jason, you could see an obvious gap, for sure. But if I go to one of my other friends' open mics, I find that quite often, I am carrying the team a little bit. That's fun for the ego, but it also something that I've been doing for years that doesn't get me anywhere.

I need to drown a little to get better. If all goes well with this gig, there will be others. It might be a few years before I get over the feeling of dreading the next gig.

On another level, I also feel like I'm not feeling funny right now. I've been in a serious mood and I wish I could turn that switch off. There are things to worry about, and I feel guilty making light of anything. I don't know why that is. All I know is I went on vacation to France and England and before that, I was really into comedy and right now, I'm not really into comedy. I see my friends writing new jokes and doing mics, and instead of feeling inspired, I feel tired.

God, I hope it's not an age thing.

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