All I want for MCO (Is My Two Front Teeth)

(image by Fahmi Reza. https://linktr.ee/kuasasiswa)

I might be biting off more than I can chew here. We're under lockdown again and I think I want to make use of the clarity of mind that I get from writing to figure out what I want to achieve during this lockdown. And to figure that out, I might need to figure out what I want in life.

Right now, one thing is for certain. I want to clear out my living room, so that we can watch television together. It's just a mess right now and I am overwhelmed by it and I know a lot of the stuff in there right now would have to go back into the workshop/streaming cave which means I have to clear out the clutter in there as well. But whenever I try to do it, I find it hard to throw anything out. I guess I'm just as much a hoarder as everyone else. But I've moved this to the top of my list. As mundane as it sounds, I want to watch television with my wife and son because that might be the only activity we all have in common right now. Years ago, we were watching a movie with a big group of friends and there was this commercial for a brand of TV and the way they were selling it was kind of ludicrous, I thought. The whole selling point was that this family was not spending time together and then they bought this LG television set and then all of a sudden, they're a united happy family unit again. And I turned around and looked at my friend Johan and he gave me the look like he couldn't believe what he was seeing too. And now, I'm that dad in that commercial.

Anyway, that's one thing I want to get done.

Apart from that, I'm not so sure about everything else.

This blog will continue. I feel different every day, but at least today, I feel like I can keep writing for awhile. There's quite a bit to explore. I read back the last two entries and edited the hell out of them. It's always reassuring to read back what you wrote and find that it can be improved. If I look back at what I wrote last week and think it's brilliant, that is a sure sign of stagnation.

I think I will continue streaming for awhile. I actually don't know how I feel about streaming. I kind of know how to do it but I also kind of suck at it and half the time, I don't understand what is happening. So for now, I'll stream when I feel lonely and want some company. That sounds desperate, but hey it's the truth. I'm actually writing this on stream right now and nobody's watching and I'm kind of glad. I think the more friends I make on stream, the more self-conscious I feel about writing on stream. So maybe writing on stream is also just a phase for me. On the other hand, my friend Nosenudge just came in and suddenly I was able to effortlessly articulate what I've been finding difficult to write down here. I might actually have to rewatch the stream to finish writing this. I guess I'm more of a talker than a writer. It wasn't always this way. In fact, my first boss told me specifically that he wished I was able to communicate verbally the way I did on paper. I think doing comedy has either made me better speaker or a bad writer. Probably both.

I want to feel like I did a year ago. I don't want to feel like I do right now - just tired and emotionally worn out. A year ago, we were stuck at home, but there was this buzz. People were re-learning how to cook and make sourdough bread and doing Yoga and working out at home. There was this energy. I was writing topical jokes just for the hell of it. Now, I don't know. Maybe it just felt like there was more reason to hope back then. Now it's a year later and we're kind of back where we started, so that sucks. But let's not focus on that. At least we have the vaccine to look forward to. Nosenudge says maybe because the novelty has worn off, and that is true too. A year ago, I was doing online mics and learning to stream and learning new stuff about the apps and audio and video equipment. I have this bad habit of being super excited when I first learn something new and then the excitement wears off after I more or less figure it out. In Bahasa, we call this hangat hangat tahi ayam. I try to fight it, but it's never easy. What I know is I can't feel the same way I did last year by doing what I did last year. You can't go home again. So I'll probably cut down on the streaming time. I wish I could get back to my Checking In on Comedians stream for a bit, but many of my comic friends are now busy with live shows again. Man, the FOMO is really going to kick in when the whole world is doing live comedy except us. I'm actually feeling it a bit now. I'm happy for Paul and Jimmy and Ron and Justin and Dustin and Diego and all my friends who are killing it right now. I just wish I could join them. Meanwhile, I'll try and figure out something new to be excited about.

I want to have a longer attention span. This is going to be a hard one. I have the attention span of a gnat. I sometimes watch a stream while playing a computer game. Or when I listen to a podcast, I have to resist the urge to open up Hearthstone or do something with my fingers and eyes. I am going to make it a point to re-learn how to do one thing at a time. And I'm going to read some books. I downloaded a bunch of old books off the Gutenberg project onto the Kindle. I tried to read Edgar Rice Burrough's A Princess of Mars but gave up halfway through and just watched a Youtube review of the book and movie (titled John Carter). I know, epic fail. I just found I had more interest in the story about the book than the story inside the book. I think it's ironic that Edgar Rice Burrough's John Carter of Mars series inspired Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, Superman and Dune, and yet doesn't get as much attention as them, while his other series, Tarzan (which is kind of a rip off of Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book) is his most celebrated work. Anyway, I've not given up on this goal. I think I'm going to read Pride and Prejudice next. Failing that, I'll re-read the Hitchhiker's Guide. I don't know if I'll be happier if I can regain my attention span. I'm hoping it will make a difference.

Lastly, I want to maintain a level of health and fitness that is above just being a slob. I'm still hanging on to the hope of achieving a new personal best in rock climbing (about 18 years ago, I climbed a 6C at I never topped that). I wouldn't say it is impossible but I would definitely be surprising myself if I did it. But since we can't get to the crag or the climbing gym, it's just home training for now. At my age, it's really just moderate exercise. Some days, it's all I can do to pull myself out of bed and brush my teeth. The other day, I was listening to the Rocky theme while brushing my teeth! I'm not event exagerating. Other people are listening to the Rock theme while pumping iron and preparing for MMA fights. I'm listening to the Rocky theme to prevent gum bleeding.

Let's wrap this up. What do I want in life? I want to be a good father and husband, and to have a career in something I enjoy doing, and have good health and mental acuity in my later years. And to do that, I'm going to watch some TV, write some blogs, read some books and brush my teeth. Don't judge me. I'm doing what I can.